


Lost Without You

by chatnoiristhebest5



Series: Angsty [2]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Identity Reveal, Married Life, Post-Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth Identity Reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:47:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25513042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chatnoiristhebest5/pseuds/chatnoiristhebest5
Summary: Marinette Dupain-Cheng Agreste had been dead for a year. Upon the anniversary of her death, Adrien's unrelenting pain becomes close to unbearable. But he has to be strong for Emma.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Alya Césaire/Nino Lahiffe
Series: Angsty [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1848385
Comments: 2
Kudos: 93





	Lost Without You

**Author's Note:**

> I seriously don't know why I do this to myself. Why the angst?

  
It had been a year since Marinette died. A year since Adrien had woken up to a lonely bed. He still wasn't used to it. He still wasn't used to juggling a job and being a single parent. He still wasn't used to the nightmares where her death would replay itself in his mind over and over and over. He didn't know he would ever be used to it.

Now, here it was, the anniversary of her death, the same fateful day that Hawk Moth was defeated, once and for all. The butterfly miraculous would never be used again, not while Adrien lived anyway. 

His wife's death had left him with a two-year-old girl, now three, with his golden hair and her infinitely blue eyes. Emma was his motivation to keep going, he didn't want to shut down and leave her alone. Even if she reminded him of Marinette, his lady, so much it hurt.

He wasn't going to be like his father. He told Emma stories of her mother, whenever he could. He told her about how they met, how she acted, how she changed. When he'd get to the sappy parts, Emma would giggle and wriggle about, so he smiled even if he felt like crying.

But today, it was hard to force a smile. They went to the cemetery, on an exceptionally warm day in mid-July, to place flowers by her grave. Adrien would visit often, sometimes in transformation, other times not, but today it was different. 

The events of the final battle played out in his mind continuously throughout the day. The pain in his eyes and his heart wasn't something he could hide. But he tried so hard to be strong for his daughter, and he couldn't let her down.

Alya and Nino were there too, fighting back tears as they ran around with Emma. Alya left Nino and stood next to Adrien, in front of her grave. "It must be so hard for you," she said after a while, "You have to be so strong for Emma, I can't imagine how many times you've had to smile through the pain. I'm only doing it today and I'm already failing." He noticed how her voice trembled, and was alarmed for find tears rolling down her cheeks. "It's ok to cry, though. Sometimes you have to be strong enough to let them know."

Adrien nodded slowly, the lump in his throat too stubborn to swallow down. He felt like if he tried to speak his tears would betray him. 

Alya soon spoke again, "We can take Emma to the park for a while, so you can be alone. Would you like that?" When Adrien gave her another nod, she continued, "Alright, just remember, it's ok to cry."

Adrien didn't really notice when the three of them left. He was too focused to her grave. He knelt beside it, tracing the words engraved into the stone with his fingertips. The date was correct, and so was her name. The cause of death, however was not.

The people had been told that it was accidental, from debris that fell during the battle. But Adrien knew better. He'd watched as Chat Noir, saw as his lady crumpled to the ground after being stabbed in the back. He remembered thinking, _My fault._ Because it was. It always would be.

If he had been faster, he could've taken the hit. If he had been paying more attention, he could've knocked the blade out of the akuma's hands. If he hadn't told Viperion to go with the others, he could've used Second Chance. But none of it happened. And it was _all Adrien's fault_.

He was shaking, and he felt the hot tears come, the floodgates finally opening. It was all his fault. He wished he could save her but he couldn't do anything when he was lying in his arms, her blood on his leather clad arms and gloved hands. He couldn't do anything as she whispered for him to take care of Emma and to go save Paris without her. He couldn't do anything as she took off her ears and pressed them into his hand. He couldn't do anything as Marinette lay lifeless in his arms. He couldn't do anything except cry. But he hadn't had time for that. He had needed to save Paris, so he did. 

Then when his poor, innocent daughter asked where mommy was, he couldn't do anything but tell her hat she was in a better place. He couldn't do anything but give her a small, practiced, model smile. He had hoped to God that she was in a better place, but he couldn't help but feel like with him would've been better.   
  
It wasn't until he had tucked Emma into bed that night and tried to sleep in his own that it fully hit him. Like a truck that held a ton of bricks, slamming him into a wall. He hadn't been able to breathe, and right then, remembering it all, he felt suffocated once again.

"I'm sorry Marinette," he heard himself murmur. "I'm so sorry I couldn't save you."

He wasn't sure how long he had cried, but when he checked the time it was becoming late. As he walked to the park, a park filled with memories, he practiced his smile, trying to make it natural. He needed to be strong. For Emma.

Upon arrival at the park, he saw her zipping down a slide. She laughed, a laugh clear and loud and so much like Marinette's. It was almost as though she was there. 

His daughter ran to him, her arms wide, and he picked her up twirling her around. She giggled as she was put back down on the ground, her grin wide. He tried to smile back at her, but his attempt was weak. It was a good thing that she was soon distracted by pigeons nearby and went off to chase them down.

Nino came over to Adrien, a sympathetic look on his face as he put a hand on his shoulder, "Hey, dude, you doing ok?" He then winced, "Never mind that was a stupid question."

"No, it's ok, Nino. You're just trying to look out for me." _But I can't tell you how I feel, I don't want to be a burden_ , a part of him thought.

"Seriously, though, if you need to talk, I'm right here, bro."

"I know."

He glanced at his watch, they needed to go home. He called for Emma and bid good bye to Alya and Nino, who kept assuring him that they could always talk. He appreciated the gesture, but doubted he would ever have the courage. 

The only people, though they really aren't people, he'd talked to had been Plagg and Tikki. Plagg was surprisingly gentle, though some days he'd grumble to himself and shut people out. Tikki mentioned that Plagg had gotten bitterly used to death, after losing many of his chosens. 

After Marinette's passing, Adrien had kept the earrings as charms on a leather strap bracelet. He figured that wearing earring might be a bit suspicious, people might have thought that he was going through some sort of weird grieving phase, so he decided a bracelet would be better. Saying connected to Tikki helped him cope, but it was still incredibly hard.

That night, like many others, he'd tucked Emma in and went straight to bed himself. He'd kept telling himself that if he went to bed early enough, he could potentially get some proper rest. He knew that was a lie, but it was always worth the shot.

Lying in bed, alone, reminded him too much of how it was when his mother had passed. For a while, there was no light in his life. After meeting Marinette, the light had slowly started to peek back in. After getting married and having their daughter, the light was full-blast. Adrien should've known his luck wasn't that great.

But this time, the light wasn't completely gone, it had just been dimmed. He still had Emma. He still had hope. He still had a reason to live. And maybe one day, when he would learn to cope better, he could give her a real smile and stop having to act so strong around her.

Maybe one day, he could be truly happy again.


End file.
